We're like a lot better than the average bears
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
