If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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