apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize