I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
