Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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