this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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