Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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