Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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