This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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