if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
you had me at cake vodka
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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