I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
