my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
