The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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