So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
