it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Randomize
