Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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