just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
