this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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