woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
