i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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