I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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