Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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