it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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