so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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