Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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