I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
