Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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