that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
