Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
