Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
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