i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I met the friendliest cop last night
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
