Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
