well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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