It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
