: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
