I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
