i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
nutella sex= disaster
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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