My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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