I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Randomize
