he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
