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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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