Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
im six kinds of drunk right now
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
