The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
