we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Randomize
