so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
