No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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