I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
ugly people sure do ruin things
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
