So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
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