ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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