He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
