Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
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