I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
