She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
