I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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