We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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