He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
My first STD was from a foam party
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
