if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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