Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
