im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
We are two peas in an std pod
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
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