I want to make a zoo with you.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
