This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
