He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
