I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Randomize
